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To Speak or Not to Speak

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To speak or not to speak.  In grief, that is the question.  The answer of course is dependant upon what you might say.  It is grief. There is not a “right” answer.  

 

If you are the one grieving, you should speak.  Not to everyone all the time, but to someone at some point in time.  It is too much to bear alone. If you are the one walking alongside the grieving, it might be right for you to speak and then again it might not be.  Maybe today and not tomorrow, maybe tomorrow and not today. You can be there for someone without speaking. Job’s friends were. Near as we can tell, their silent comfort was more effective than their words.  

 

I am so sorry.

 

If you are looking for words I might suggest these.  No one wants loss explained. We might think we do, but it is not explainable, so spare yourself (and the one you are wanting to comfort) from trying.  No one appreciates others downplaying loss. Paradoxically, downplaying loss usually amplifies it.  

 

You do not need to ask,  “Was the loss expected?”, as if expecting loss makes it less painful.  While it might make you feel less burdened to know the grieving began before the loss was finalized, it does not make the journey any less painful for the grieving.     

 

You do not need to tell the grieving what will make it easier.  Knowing a loved one is in Heaven does bring joy, but there is not a direct inverse correlation between joy and pain and hence no basis to the assumption that thoughts of Heaven will lesson the pain of the grieving.  In some moments the joy of Heaven may shout louder than pain, but there will always be moments the pain will seem so overwhelming it will be hard to attend to anything else.  

 

Be present.  

 

“Let me know what I can do” says “I care”.

 

“Here is what I will do”  says “I care and I am going to share this journey with you.”

 

If you know someone well enough to share the journey, you will know what to do.  If you doubt, you will ask until you are 99 percent sure you have the specifics of what would be helpful.  

 

Most of the time grieving people do not ask for help.  It is not because they do not want help on the journey, but because they do not know what it is they need.  Needs change. Today may be different than tomorrow, and this afternoon may be different than this morning.   If you really want to help, ask, then ask again. Or better yet, listen and then offer. Listen and offer again.      

 

Be okay for things not to be okay.  Be willing to be broken with the broken.  

 

In regards to grief and loss we hear “I don’t know what to say.”  More than that, we don’t know how to be. We are not comfortable with grief and loss because there is nothing comfortable about pain.  No one said it was going to be comfortable, or that it was your job to make it more so. Comfort ultimately comes from the Comforter. But you can be there, and your presence will be noticed, especially when The Comforter feels far away.  

 

Words are kind of my thing.  I write. A lot. But there comes a time when words are not my thing or your thing.  They are  a thing.  Sometimes helpful.  Sometimes not.  

 

If you love and if you care, just purpose to be there in loss.  And don’t get lost in the words.

 

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:”  Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

“A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;”  Ecclesiastes 3:7

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